People Ought to Stop Emailing Me

Erving Hermit, John Smith, by an unknown photographer
Erving Hermit, John Smith, by an unknown photographer

I am a simple man, with a simple and achievable platform I believe everyone can get behind:

  • People ought to stop emailing me
  • Sometimes I think I'm done answering emails and then I get more emails in response to the emails I thought had sorted out the last of the questions anybody wanted to ask me
  • Also I get emails every time I buy a shirt from somewhere
  • I think people ought to stop emailing me so I can get all caught up and stay caught up for once
  • But I also don't want to be lonely
  • Or less busy
  • And I also don't want to stop getting invited to things
  • And I want a lot of job offers
  • But you're going to have to find different ways of getting that information to me
  • I don't care how you do it, just get it done
  • Just leave me alone unless I need you to take care of something for me
  • But I want to feel like I'm part of a vibrant, variegated community held together by a great many far-flung friendships who frequently email me to tell me of things they've seen on their travels that reminded them of me
  • I want no emails and I want a lot more very good emails
  • Recently I got an email telling me I didn't get a job I interviewed for and I didn't like that very much at all
  • Also recently I didn't get any emails in response to a job I applied for and that wasn't very good either
  • I would like one email tomorrow for every job I have ever applied for, jobs I've already held in the past, jobs I quit and jobs I was turned down for years ago, telling me that I've got the job
  • Daniel, Good News! You've Got The Job
  • Daniel, Good News: We Talked And Everyone Agreed You Were The Best One
  • Daniel! Remember That One West Wing Flashback Scene Where Rob Lowe Tells Bradley Whitford To Come Back And Interrupt His Horrible Job At Gage Whitney If Martin Sheen Is The Real Thing, But Not To Say Anything, Because He'll Just Know, Where "A Great Job With Worthy Colleagues" Stands In For Richard Lionheart, Prince Charming, And The Christ? That's Happening To You Right Now
  • Daniel, It's Aaron Sorkin: I Have A Very Important Question For You
  • And I don't want an email saying I'm not in trouble with the IRS anymore – I just want it to be tacitly understood without saying anything that I'm not in trouble with the IRS anymore
  • And I don't want anybody to call me either, but I still want to have a lot of interesting and soul-stirring conversations with people I love in distant places
  • Please don't ask anything of me but don't stop having something to say to me either
  • But also I want to be important and feel responsible and like I'm doing people a lot of favors, because I'm an important pillar of my community and also a Medici-style patron of the arts
  • But I'm also an important artist in my own right
  • And I want a lot of people in my field to write to ask me for my advice
  • And I want to win something, I want to win an award or some money or both
  • But I don't want anybody to email me about it, I want to find out an easier, softer way
  • I blocked my mother's email address a few years ago and I genuinely don't ever want to hear from her but also I want to know that she's writing to me all the time, but without ever seeing it or hearing about it
  • I want to amass beautiful, agonized apologies written on spiderwebs that I'll never ever see or respond to
  • And I want formal invitations to long weekends at the country estate of new acquaintances with pizza ovens
  • And everybody's got to leave me alone but I need them to miss me while they're doing it
  • Good luck

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]