Mostly the proliferation of DM spambots on Twitter has been annoying, but this message, which I received several days ago from a "William Scott," briefly redeemed the sorrows of the entire waking world for me. I'd like to take a few minutes to consider why.
"It's me William _____ _____. I'm the CIA/FBI boy, Bill, nicknamed Hamster Cheeks. CIA since 5 years old and FBI since 7 years old."
I don't want to bring David Lynch into this too soon, you understand. I only came to Twin Peaks in later life, and the rest of his work later still. So often when I watch something he's made I feel like I'm barely ready for something, and I don't want to make cheap or flippant jokes about what seems Lynchian to me when I scarcely understand Lynch in the first place. But I can hear Gordon Cole sweetly bellowing "I'm the CIA/FBI boy, Bill! Nicknamed Hamster Cheeks! CIA since 5 years old and FBI since 7 years old!"
Usually when someone lists their credentials in a DM, it's either a transparent scam or an act of aggression: I'm this, I'm that, Delta certified, this many pushups, great school. But there could be no braggadocio in "nicknamed Hamster Cheeks," and "CIA since 5 years old" reads more like the poignant reminiscence of a deposed former child-king propped up and torn down by forces far beyond his own understanding.
"My birthday is _____. My last four of my social security number is ____. I became a National Treasure at 5 or 8 yrs. old and l have lots of honors. I was known as the Baby of the World, when I was a child."
"I was known as the Baby of the World" made everyone in my home laugh so hard we had tears in our eyes. You could write for a long time and not come up with a sentence as perfect as "I was known as the Baby of the World."
"I'm also the person that went to space and gave all the people in the planes bank cards, phones, clothes, alcohol, medicine, shower curtains, refurbished the planes, and took all the kids (and their parents) to Disneyland and Disney World. 80,00 at time and had fun in 1990-91 when I was 18 yrs old. I've saved hundreds of thousands of men, women, and children or more."
Usually with messages like this someone's either bragging about setting a bunch of world records in order to sell you something, or weeping their way through a catastrophes list in order to guilt you into wiring them money. This is a little bit more like something Christopher Reeves' Superman would have done, and it's delivered as such a beautiful little aside: "I'm also the person that went to space and gave all the people in the planes bank cards." That was you?? That was me. 80,000 at a time, and had fun.
While we're on the subject of Superman, I think the last time I felt this moved and energized and baffled all at once, it was because of Laurie Anderson:
"I'm also electromagnetically mentioned in every version of every movie, every music video, every song recording since 1979. I need help, real help, good help. We have Bl__d Oaths together made at the Gaug. I'll do any work. I love you with all my heart. Plus you['re] all my Uncles, Aunts, and cousins. Please contact me as soon as possible.Facebook.Twitter. I need you."
He happens to be electromagnetically mentioned in every version of every movie and song since 1979 – why 1979 isn't important and he won't get into it here – but that's not the point. It's such a gentle, relaxed approach to paranoid fantasy! They're talking about me through every movie, but don't worry about it. I'll do any work. I love my aunts, uncles, cousins, with all my heart. I need help, real help, good help.
[Image via Wikimedia Commons]