How To Make Kathy Bates Happy If You Happen To Be In "Misery"

picture of snow that does not infringe on any copyright
picture of snow that does not infringe on any copyright

It is immediately apparent that she is dangerously unstable and needs to be placated, there should be zero learning curve here – like when someone has obviously been transported back to the Middle Ages in an old TV movie but they keep demanding to be taken to "a police station" or to "borrow a phone" until everyone decides they must be a witch. Your legs are insanely broken and everything depends on making her happy. And she does so much for you!

You have the easiest job in the world ahead of you! This woman owns her own home, runs her own farm, and has the most incredible matched cardigan skirt sets that I'm positive are carded cashmere. And all she wants to do is bring you scrambled eggs in bed, tell you that you're the greatest writer in the world, and never to be reminded of her occasional black bouts of memory-obliterating rage! You can do this!

  1. Don't do that thing you do in regular conversation, where someone says a phrase you're part-way familiar with, so you reply with an equivalent phrase to make sure you're on the same page and to build rapport. She wants to tell you about going to the movies on Saturday afternoons to see the Chapter Plays, you say, "Oh, Chapter Plays!"
  2. No smiling thinly when she's dancing with her pig, then looking a little creeped out when she's left the room. Smile thickly. You think she can't sniff out tepid, forced enthusiasm? That's her whole life, brother!
  3. But don't put it on too thick, either. Don't be stupid.
  4. No getting out of bed when you're "starting" to get better. If it's got a cast on it, don't move it.
  5. You don't want to use the phone! Why would you want to use the phone? Maybe "everyone I need to talk to is in this house right now" would be a little too much (but then again, depending on her mood, maybe it would be just right) but there's nothing wrong with a little suave, casual air! "I'll call them later" or "They can wait" should work. Say it like you're using this to force a fun little vacation. That's plausible!
  6. The second she brings up the swearing, you tell her you never wanted it in the manuscript, that your agent insisted, that in a moment of weakness you gave in to her because she's done a lot for you, but now you're going to take a stand about it. It does lack nobility.
  7. "I've never had soup this good in my life, I mean it."
  8. Whatever paper she buys you for your typewriter is fine
  9. Obviously you have to let her freak out about something at some point. Give her something easy to pick apart, but nothing too substantive. Don't contradict her, and don't do anything that looks remotely like sneaking.
  10. And don't hide your pills! Take them, you need them
  11. And don't try to stash a knife before you can use your legs. One thing at a time. Don't rush your moment, that's how people end up getting hobbled.
  12. When the time is right, always double tap. If you handle it right, not only will she never know she's dead, she'll never realize you weren't having a delightful time.