Better Bacon Packaging Options

Better Bacon Packaging Options

by Tynan Stewart

Everyone agrees what we have now, i.e.: vacuum sealed shingle packages, is absurd.

  1. Stacked like tissues in a nice little resealable box.
  2. Placed end-to-end and rolled into a spiral like a fruit roll-up.
  3. Arranged in a pleasant bouquet like a bunch of limp, meaty flowers.
  4. Curled into little pinwheels, tied with little ribbons and strung together like a display of Christmas lights.
  5. Wrapped in corn husks like tamales.
  6. Wedged into the little plastic compartments inside a Whitman's Sampler box.
  7. Ensconced in a resilient piñata.
  8. Squeezed into the plastic bubbles in moderately sized bubble wrap.
  9. Loaded onto a 35mm film reel.
  10. Sealed in a terracotta vase decorated with a boar skewering Achilles.
  11. Pressed between the pages of a library copy of Infinite Jest.
  12. Sewn into the waistbands of your Shein order.
  13. Locked in the trunk of a burning Tesla.
  14. Nestled in one of those iPhone boxes you always keep because gosh you don't want to throw away such a nice box.

Tynan Stewart is a writer in Fort Worth, Texas. He writes about despair-inducing subjects for his newsletter, Journal of Post American Studies, and his bookstagram is @panthercitybooks.

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