Better Bacon Packaging Options

by Tynan Stewart

Everyone agrees what we have now, i.e.: vacuum sealed shingle packages, is absurd.

1. Stacked like tissues in a nice little resealable box.
2. Placed end-to-end and rolled into a spiral like a fruit roll-up.
3. Arranged in a pleasant bouquet like a bunch of limp, meaty flowers.
4. Curled into little pinwheels, tied with little ribbons and strung together like a display of Christmas lights.
5. Wrapped in corn husks like tamales.
6. Wedged into the little plastic compartments inside a Whitman's Sampler box.
7. Ensconced in a resilient piñata.
8. Squeezed into the plastic bubbles in moderately sized bubble wrap.
9. Loaded onto a 35mm film reel.
10. Sealed in a terracotta vase decorated with a boar skewering Achilles.
11. Pressed between the pages of a library copy of Infinite Jest.
12. Sewn into the waistbands of your Shein order.
13. Locked in the trunk of a burning Tesla.
14. Nestled in one of those iPhone boxes you always keep because gosh you don't want to throw away such a nice box.